R40

I was in a dream, and it's not really important what it was about. All you should know is that it was the kind that rocks the both sides of dreaming. As if detonation of kids from the waking side and gremlins from the dream side simultaneously pierced my dreamscape.

So, I woke up. But not to this waking reality. I woke up into the deeper layer of dream, there behind the scenes of my dreams, where all the actors reside, me included as the subject of my own dreams. I found myself in a hotel and realized I feel constricted together with other actors, specially because I was bunked in the same room as my brother who did some screw up so that he left the TV on to play the jazz of static buzz. I got out of the bed, slightly dizzy from the headache and left the fuzzy room. I was greeted by elegant personnel of English school. Whole platoon of butlers. They wanted to show me everything, but before we ended up in the cellars - where pantry, kitchen and emergency dining room were nestled - I wiggled out of their grip and emerged into the dusky day.

Cam changed the angle, so I could see myself walking, strolling with the causal gait of James Bond, that guy Craig, for example, he was so devoid of any bit of charisma... so there I was, moving into the alley behind the hotel, there where chewed up cardboard packaging, slop and broken eggshells are. Angle of the shot was such that I could see the indigo colored sky. In that alley I encountered a bunch of gremlins that were busy jumping up and down all over one of those mobile shelves made of thick sheet metal and thick steel rods. Gremlins were youngsters with long black hair and ugly-green snotty-yellow noses. They really rocked that metal monstrosity so that broken glass was everywhere, and orange juice and fanta was dripping all over like blood of some wounded beast.

- Oi, there - I threatened them with calm voice while I was lighting up thick stubby cigar - Don't you dare make riots tonight, okay?

Their stares were utterly stupid. As if they are wondering what means 'oi', what means 'no' what means 'riots', what means 'tonight'...

- So, you better not be starting the fights, and torching the cars and you better not be clawing at those nicely painted facades.

They nodded and grinned, revealing needle-thin sharp teeth, and in their eyes was that gremlinoid gleam which meant that they didn't receive my words as a threat but as instructions on how to behave tonight.

Fuck it... I thought to myself puffing the cigar. It seems that they were not responsible neither for the explosions nor for my headache. So I returned to a next hotel across the street to follow some hot trail. See at this point I was like a heat seeking missile, but instead of homing on airplane exhaust I was riding the flaming trails of betrayed love. So, I entered the next establishment. As soon as I got in, I realized it was not a hotel, but a Wiener conditorei, all in wood and marble. At the table close to the shop's window wasn't sitting my crew. There was just some heat signature left, as if they were no longer dear to me.

I nodded. Now I understood who's pulling my leg. I went through the wall of this pastry shop and emerged on the other side in the room of a cheap hostel. Three or four beds were maliciously positioned so that you couldn't make it from one end of the room to the next without stepping into someone's luggage. There was a big desk contributing to this cramped mess, covered with sammiches made for the road and other food items with short expiry date.

At one side of the bed, my manager was sitting and she was silently observing the blood stain that radiated from the middle, as if the mattress was bleeding.

- What's the meaning of all this? - I asked angrily.
- I deserve my own room, I am the main actor here - I yelled a tad late as if I've just remembered my line.

She looked at me and smiled with her skyblue smile.

- Of course you deserve it. Go ask for them to give you a separate room.

I already saw myself roaming the halls of this hostel, being avoided by the staff, because they don't like those who want separate room when it's not clear who will cover the bill. To be honest, I would avoid myself if I were in their shoes.

Moment has gone. I was still sick and with headache. Someone was still smashing and breaking down from deep below, from nether layers of the dream, mayhaps even from the subconsciousness itself.

- So, what's really the problem? - I asked her in milder tone.
- Granma and wolf are fighting. Granny wants something and wolf wants something else.
- So... what... is... the... problem - I asked even more clam and slow, but with more threat in my tone.

She smiled and nodded.

- There is no problem. Granny will soon go to sleep and then wolf will calm down as well.

At that moment I realized who is really the cause of my troubles, so I started briskly walking up the small alleys leading to the zoo on the top of the hill.

Fihjcev... Fihcev... Filancev... I was groping, trying to remember the name of this Russian general who was making all this rowdy mess in my mind. Filancev, Frilancev, Filipncev... I murmured wrong names on purpose, trying to provoke my otherside consciousness to kick me back towards the right direction.

I cut short through a backyard and decided to jump across a fence. I will take these stairs and instead walking around the entire block, I will enter through the yard door, up the staircase and leave through the main door. Plus I will be able to avoid the zombified extras that started flocking on the other side where camera couldn't catch them.

So I was pretending that I'm checking something on my mobile phone, though I didn't even hold it in my hand. In fact I didn't even own one. At the end of the stairs, on a little porch just before the yard door I saw a redhead girl with juicy freckled cheekbones. She had full lips and ruffled hair. She was sort of resembling some famous actresses or female athletes that I loved to watch. Black woolen cardigan or cape was wrapped around her. She was smoking and talking to someone on the phone, probably just gossiping with a friend because I did hear that secretive hushing. You know, like, oh I'll call you back, someone is coming, I'll tell you all when we meet, and no I didn't blow his cock... you know that kind of banter.

The closer I was getting to her, the more I was averting my gaze. I don't like to gaze at beautiful girls that pass by. They could imagine things, and besides I don't want to do it. I don't like being pulled by their beauty like ass is being pulled by it's rope. Yea I noticed her. Yea I noticed her looks. As if I couldn't, and that's enough. What? Should I continue watching her, should I be tricked into leering at her. No way. One point for me. I win this round.

So I opened the door and stepped into a very small room. So small I thought it's being furbished for kids or midgets. Also I noticed that there was no staircase here, this was an appartment. Someone made their home here, enduring that, from time to time, some idiot like me, will want to cut short detour around the block. In the same time a realization hit me.

Recognition.

I know this woman. And she remembered me, too. She smiled, hid the phone under her cape or cardigan, snuffed out her ciggy. Hey, I hear the chiming voice of a former slut, now respectable lady, woman of the house and mother of three children.

I returned to the entrance and peeked in. It made me twist and lean. Pain made me toss and turn like fish that fisherman is examining in his hands to check where and how deep did the hook pierce it. I put my right hand to my face and saw inscriptions. There were two columns with names and between them were arrows that explained the flow of unrequited loves. Daniela loves Jonas. Jonas loves Vanessa. Vanessa would love to be with Lars, who thinks that Melanie is better. But she only cares for Tim, Tim thinks that Jennifer is cool, Jennifer is in love with Kevin, and this Kevin is - gay. Well it was a list not unlike this one, only with only one name repeated, my own. So I finally understood and remembered who is this woman.

- Hihih, awwe... hihi... I wouldn't recognize you... hihi... I'm married, you know... - she started babbling.

I covered my face with my palms and returned to normal straight position, you know, my feet on the ground and all that. Then I lowered my arms and again floated up, this time in the position of a gutted fish that was being searched for the hook. I remembered who this woman was. She was the love of my life. Was. I am aware, while I'm telling you this, that you will not believe me that she is that very woman. It's because the trail has gotten cold, but believe me in that moment when I saw her, the fiery storm was dancing on my face and ball of fire was bobbing up and down from my throat to my belly and back. I was roasted from the inside. May God give you that you HAVE and then HAVE NOT. You think that's a curse? Real curse is the addition... then may you HAVE and HAVE NOT again! That was the curse that was roasting me. Oh, my dear love... here you are, written on my palm so I never forget you. To remember you even in my dreams, oh my dear untwisted love.

- Look at my ring... hihihi... I did gain a bit weight... hihih... come I'll let you through the passage, don't turn around now it's too long to walk around the block... hihi... well it's a good chance to... hihii.. this is my youngest son...

Moron. Looks like gremlin, but he's too small and young to have gremlin's long hair and bratty nose.

- You know, someone called just moment ago (I think from the tv direction) to ask me for the most painful moment of my life. And I gave them an answer and then we shot this scene. But the truth is, this is the most painful moment of my life. This very moment - That's what I told her knowing that it won't change a thing, that she will still be so disgustingly married and that she will slowly start assuming her real shape and not this one that my heart and longing gave to her.

- Omg, it's just like in that book you wrote, what was the title... oh yes 'Disgusting Love Affairs'? Oh yes, that was the one. And it didn't only happen to me, it happened to my friend as well, we both met Mr. G. and it was really unbelievable...hihiih  - she continued to babble and pretend.

She was slowly oozing. First her juicy cheeks were gone. Then her hair grew short and broken. She became taller and thinner and fan-shaped earrings appeared. As if observing her through x-ray, I saw the horror I was never able to see while I was in love with her. I wasn't really going through her house to reach the other side, I was sneaking by the freak that was stalking me.

- And this surgery really helps... hiihi... you know... I really feel much younger along my Zika.. hihi... but this girl friend...hihi... just like in the book... hihii..

She started turning into a cat skeleton. Coated with silvery metal. She jumped on the ceiling and clung to it with her claws. Her neck disappeared turning into a metal hose, like those of antiquated showers. Head bobbed on that weak stalk, but she didn't stop talking. Now I was praising all the saints for preventing our love to blosom. Such a horrid harridan she was.

I got to my senses only once I reached the staircase again. It was done in marble and chrome, just as if it was a bank or some metro station. Around me were flocks of business people, clad in suits. Next to me appeared chubby lady. Her girth was hidden by black fur coat, turning her curves into chunks. I took her hand and behind us that vamp was still barking.

- hhihi...that's my friend.. .she also... hihi... just like in the book... hihihi... everything happened just like you wrote...

I paused, smiling broadly with charming smile of a drunken baron:

- Well, since we've started with the characters from the book, maybe the lady would like to be the next one?

But the fat lady was staring at me blankly just like those gremlins were.

I bit my tongue:

- I didn't mean anything inappropriate, I hope this lady will forgive my reckless expression. I assure you, it was in noblest of intentions, a compliment, although I do see how it could be taken in very very lewd manner, so in this regard, I do... apologize - I declared all this and took the fat lady out of the marble underground.

Where the fuck is the exit, have to take this whale out of here and escape the witch.

- Ah, here we go - I exclaimed, noticing where the exit was.

It was too difficult to open the doors, so the people were flocking on the both sides, further making it difficult to open. As we slowly moved towards the exit, I had to stop several times to show this fat lady how to walk properly. She was so wobbly I was afraid she would just topple over, and she didn't even know how to hold a gentleman's hand. Not like that you stupid goose, I am supposed to hold the palm and you are covering it... try doing it with more sophistication you stupid cow.

- I have to go to the hospital - she said as if she was thinking, I'm so sorry because I can't go with you to be fucked passionately and which would make me brag to my witchy girlfriend, emphasizing that she was out of the loop and that instead of fucking some extras she was doing it with the main actor, mr. writer himself.

I nodded and assured her that I will engage all my gentlemanly powers to safely bring her to that train that will take her to the hospital. Which was just a stupid male promise because I had no idea about where is the train stop, where to expect the train and many other things pertaining to local trains.

There were platforms from the both sides of one tracked rail. Station was in the middle of nowhere, on the sloping hillside. I recognized them by the roof which was the only part of the concrete platform that was still visible, the rest sunken through the mud made by thousands of feet of the mass that was crowding to enter the train.

- I.. .really... am ... not sure...I see Avala on this side... and Belgrade... on the other side.. But I have no idea where this train is coming from or where is it going to... - I stammered.
- Don't you worry, I'll go there - she lurched to unite with the sea of people rushing to the platform like herd of zombies.

Elderly couple started dragging the fat lady and pulling her luggage. They spoke in Albanian so she didn't understand them, but I did because I had subtitles.

- They just want to help you with your suitcase, they say not to worry - I offered to translate.
- Hell no! Fuckoff! - She was cursing and wrestling the old couple for her luggage.

I shrugged. No longer my problem. I turned and saw huge mass of people pouring from one train into another. Well I didn't actually see it, but the camera did record it, oh fuck cmon get used to the camera angles of the dreamscape, for fuck sake...

So as the camera tilted to align with what I see, just between the wall and all the crowds, there was a smiling young woman from my past.

- Hey, look at you! - I yelled, so happy to finally see a familiar face.
- Ciao - she said and kept smiling - What are you doing here?

I flailed my arms. Fuck, I'm just trying to make sense of this dream, you know. Do you happen to know which train will take me to the Other Side? She pointed it with her chin. The train that was just incoming behind me. Many people already flocked to align themselves with the front door. She took me a bit further ahead.

- I always stand here, because the train engineer always pulls over a bit ahead, and then the middle door opens right here where there is no crowd - she said, nudging me there.

It was too late, the mass rushed in colliding with the same mass that wanted to rush out. Comfortably pressed between two masses of people we continued our chat.

- This is my troll - she presented him proudly.

It was a small terribly sick little being, blinking with it's dark eyes under the huge thick glasses. It had an apple shaped head and black hay-like hair, nose oozing with goo. I was not sure if the creature was hiding in the backpack of this woman or if the backpack was it's body. This being was sneezing terribly, trying to slurp all the goo back through a straw.

I tried to help, but the woman stopped me.

- No, no let him try it... it's his fault... he ate too much pepper again.

I felt like a failure. I wanted to tell to this woman all my life from the point when we separated to this point when we are meeting deep under my consciousness. But she kept going on about her troll. Then I realized that it didn't really matter, coz end of dream was near.

So I woke up. On this side that we share. I guess that's the 'right' side. So I rushed to write all this down, though the trail was already getting colder. And that's it. I made it. More or less. It's like a theatre show, you can't record it, you can't re-tell it, you simply had to be there to understand it all.

Fuck it.